This is the Heart of a Minister

Z Harmonic Minority

hoaminister — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 10:29:10 +0000

Hey, guys. I know I’ve been gone for a while. Sorry about that. I usually never build up the unction to actually put my thoughts down, but today seems to be different for some odd reason.

Oh well. It’s June, 2011, and this month marks my 4th year of salvation. This journey has been one of great joy as well as great sorrow and pain. I’ve had people love me, people hate me, people train me, people hurt me, people help me, and people ask me for help. I’ve been lied on, exalted, humbled, angered, confused, saddened, helpless, fed up, craving more, apathetic, fervent, and whatever else you can imagine. Now, I am not a high-scoring scholar or anything, but I believe this Christian thing is supposed to make life a tad more bearable. I can already hear the religious fanatics out there saying, “Zay, God never said this Christian life would be easy!” Yeah, yeah, don’t get your Bibles in a wad. Though, coming from a straight surface level understanding, anything we pursue, we pursue ultimately to enrich and better our lives, right? So, if someone tells me that they became a Christian KNOWING that their life would just continue to be hell, I don’t believe them. I believe hope is one of the central ideas of the Bible, and Christianity without the hope of a better life on earth is not Christianity… it a cop-out for a reality that someone isn’t willing to face. Whatever, though. That’s just my thoughts on that…

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been going through a purge. I’ve been trying to rid myself of the thoughts and concerns of my fellow believers in relation to what I believe. I never really realized many things I simply agreed with without drawing my own conclusion out of my own research. The frustrating thing is that I know better. The psychological phenomenon of groupthink is powerful. Anyway, many of my refined beliefs are a bit different from what the majority of the group (Christians) believes, and I figured that my bond with them as a fellow brother in the faith and as a fellow human being would be strong enough to look pass individual beliefs and into a corporate love… WRONG. It feels like I am somewhat of an outcast again, destined to be finger-wagged at my entire life because I don’t fully agree with the leading ideology. WTF-ever. I am proud of who I am on the inside. I do need some work, but I am glad I think, talk, and reason the way that I do. I’d be doing the world a huge injustice if I begin to lose who I am and who God created me to be in order to show counterfeit humility, or to exude a trite structure of Christianity. I am Zay. I am not a church or a movement. I am of I AM. I am a breathing part of existence with personal thoughts and ideas that matter, if not to you, to God. It’s liberating to be free from the expectations of others, but what bothers me the most is when church folk try to make God just as ugly as they are.

I’ve realized something about the Bible, something that I don’t believe people really want to hear. I’ve found out that the Bible is the most abused and misused book in existence. Now to say that I’ve figured out the ultimate defining of all Biblical Scripture is just as jackass-ish as anyone else making that claim, so I won’t say that I’ve figured out anything entirely, but I do have ideas about certain things that I think are pretty close. One great thing that I’ve realized from studying the New Testament of the Bible is that GOD ISN’T A DOUCHEBAG. One of the most freeing things that I have come upon is that God has completely liberated us from having to meet a standard. This is because of our human condition… we are evil. How damning it is for the Church, God’s elect, to re-impose standards upon us! This is what I meant by saying that “church folk try to make God just as ugly as they are.”

Love is the key. The key to what? Self-actualization. Whether Christian or non-Christian, love is what will bring us all together. The problem is that most believers are afraid of the ‘world’ and don’t really want to be together, so that breed all kinds of excuses why they must not be “unequally yoked”. Sounds like a bunch of BS if you ask me… The truth is that most people in the Christian community treat the faith like it is a gang that only accepts people that meet a certain standard of belief, conduct, and countenance. I have begun to evolve into something more than the standard that others have put on Christians. I am transcending even myself in some areas of my life… or at least I’d like to believe that I am. Maybe this is why I can’t really relate to anyone… I don’t know. All I do know is that I am taking off the limits of my life and my experience with Eternity. I am going to laugh at what’s funny, cry when I am sad, (privately) curse when I am mad, expand my mind, and do whatever I need to do in order to show my humanistic side to the world and to love everyone with all of who I am. I am going to relentlessly love God and unapologetically love non-believers. I am going to be honest with myself at ALL times, as much as I can. I am going to live out loud and love hard. I refuse to lose Zay in the deluge of religiosity.

Imagine Images!

hoaminister — Mon, 30 May 2011 16:38:25 +0000

A blank wall in a room or any type dwelling is a great way to let your mind wonder and imagine. I find that this is a way that God speaks to me…. especially during worship. Try it, Fam! Peace and blessings!

Busy Boy…

hoaminister — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 03:17:35 +0000

A new semester, a new season, a new chance to do my best. I am at a point in my life where things are become real at an alarming rate. Now, when I say “real” I don’t mean real as in tangible, rather real as in serious. Within the next year and a half, I am embarking on things that will set the course of my life. It’s scary, I am not going to lie, but I will say that God hasn’t ever left me in anything I’ve done, so I know He will be there for me in these things. Many times (especially here lately), I’ve been thinking about things like my future family. I suppose it’s time for me to start preparing myself for the significant other I haven’t met yet. I try not to think about those things, but God has laid it on my heart the past few weeks. My career is something that is constantly on my mind. I am starting my ordination process in about a year (around the same time I graduate), and this excites me! Grad school has been on my mind as well. I am choosing to get my grad degree in Christian Counseling and Pastoral Counseling because I believe that’s where God is calling me. I believe that through Counseling I will eventually go into Ministry… which is why I am getting ordained.

Buh! Lol! As you can see, many things are in my future. Those are just SOME of the things I am approaching, but through it all, I know God is faithful to finish any good work He’s began in me.

The Exzavious Behind The Zay…

hoaminister — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:24:23 +0000

Many days, I sit outside and look up to the sky and think about who I truly am. I don’t really know how I come off to other people, and not to be rude, but honestly many times I don’t care. This is more of a bad thing than a good thing, though. Through my actions I have to represent my King and my Father as well as myself. This means I am to be knowledgeable of my actions, presenting an upright mantle for the throne of my King. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know who God has called me to be (or at least some of it), and I am trying to find the fruit in my life that shows my calling. Beyond my calling in life, I try to search out the deeper things of my heart. I don’t want to just be nice to people; I want to not get angry with them in my heart. I don’t want to just refrain from lying; I don’t even want to have the urge to lie. It’s all about heart issues with me. How am I on the inside, rather than who are they seeing on the outside. Over Christmas Break, I am going to take time to search my heart on that deeper level even more. Keep in mind, though…. What you see may not be what you see.

Selah…

Screaming Thoughts In A Quiet Library…

hoaminister — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 20:14:36 +0000

Sometimes, I tend to think about my future: What will my wife be like? Will I have children? What will my children be like? etc… It’s not often I have time to think about these things, but ever-so-often I get the privilege of searching out the desires of my heart. I try to make sure I stay in God’s will, though, because as long as my will lines up with His will, He’ll give me any and everything I desire. Sometimes, I have to tame my wants because I may start to venture off into my former desires instead of my present desires. We all have that sinful nature about us, but where Saints and the world differs is that when we Saints have an issue, we have a Father to run to. When the world has issues, they come up with their own “solutions” to their problems… which usually leads to more problems. When it comes to my personal thoughts, I try not to run from my “less than Christian” thoughts and face them with Scripture and speak to that particular mountain in my life. Much to think about, guys….

Selah…

Thanksgiving is OVER… or is it?

hoaminister — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:41:22 +0000

Hi all. What a break it’s been! I was able to spend some great quality time with my family (which was MUCH needed). God has been so amazing and faithful, guys. I almost hate the “official” holiday had to come to an end, but I told myself and God that I am going to try to make everyday a thanksgiving celebration. For me, thanksgiving is a way of life more than a holiday. I thank God mostly for seeing it fit for me to have a divine calling on my life. I’m honored that He wants me to be His spokesperson to, not only the world, but also His people. I am thankful that God has developed my gifts in a manner that people would see it fit to sow seeds into my life. Wow. I am a 21-year-old, African-American male that has given my life fully to the Lord, and God sees it fit to make people who don’t even know Him give unto me! Now I see what Luke 6:38 was talking about, haha.

It trips me out sometimes how everything in God’s Kingdom hinges on the principal of the seed, even when it comes to giving thanks and being grateful to Him. I sow my thanks, and it grows me a harvest of others being thankful of me. Amazing, but it’s not all about what He can give me. I try to approach the Kingdom in a manner of saying, “Lord, what can I give away for Your namesake?” There’s this song by William McDowell named “I Give Myself Away,” and this is one of the most powerful worship songs I know. This song, though, I believe sums up the longing of God’s heart: for us to give ourselves completely to Him for His personal use. The great thing about doing this is that in doing this, we find the longing and desires of our own heart! Hallelujah!

Many people don’t like this, and some might call it “prosperity preaching,” but let’s be real. Everything we give up for the will of the Father will be GIVEN BACK in a bigger and better way! HERE! ON EARTH!!! Yes, we are to praise Him for who He is, but God is in to giving US increase for HIS glory. How ungrateful for us to ignore His giving in effort to make ourselves feel more “holy” or whatever. I will never ignore His giving unto me. Giving is the evidence of love, because love is giving. Not just in a material sense, but also in a mental, physical, and spiritual sense. “For God so LOVED the world, He GAVE His Son…,” and to this I say, “For I so love God, that I gave and will forever give myself to Him.” Thanksgiving is never over…

-Selah.

What Moves You?

hoaminister — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:33:53 +0000

Well, today is the day! I am going home for thanksgiving break and not a moment to late I might add. The surroundings at this University I go to can become a little downing, but God always reminds me of the “why” behind my “whats”. I know that the vision God has given me is slowly, but surely, coming into fruition. This keeps me strong during those times of weakness. I’ve figured out why most people do the rebellious things they do: A lack of vision. I praise God that I see where I am going in my future! This is where the hard part comes in though because though God my show us our vision and calling, He doesn’t show us how we will get there. I pray that I never get caught up in the “whats” of my life and always remember the “why”.

- Selah…